we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
