K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
