it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
