you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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