tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
