I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
