I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
