I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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