What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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