Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
