I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
