So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
