I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
