it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
