dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
