I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
