I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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