i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
