I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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