You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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