this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize