we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
