He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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