i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
