i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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