and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
