I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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