theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
