You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
