I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm both gender and math confused
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
