I got chris browned last night
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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