i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
