I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
