I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
