Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
