I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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