They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Someone shattered a urinal.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ttyl tear gas
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
