i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
