Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
