We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
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