I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
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Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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