They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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