hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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