Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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