i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
