I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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