I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
