would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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