OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
