Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.