goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you win again, gameday.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
