Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
