I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
