Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
