And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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