I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
